


Immersion Therapy

by belmanoir



Category: Revenge (TV)
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-12-19
Updated: 2011-12-19
Packaged: 2017-10-27 13:38:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,051
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/296434
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/belmanoir/pseuds/belmanoir
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Part One: Five things Nolan is afraid of.  Part Two: Five things Nolan knows about Emily Thorne, née Amanda Clarke, without even having to think about it.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Immersion Therapy

**Author's Note:**

  * For [galfridian](https://archiveofourown.org/users/galfridian/gifts).



> I would like to thank my brainstorming partner, cheerleader, and beta mrs_laugh_track--you are wonderful!
> 
> Mild spoilers through 1x10, "Loyalty."
> 
>  **Warning** : References to physical abuse of a child.

  
**Part One: Five things Nolan is afraid of**   


**1\. His father**

His dad used to hit him. That wasn't the scary part, though. Obviously Nolan doesn't _like_ pain, except in very specific circumstances, but he can deal with it. The scary part was how his dad really seemed to love him sometimes. Some days, they'd be having a great time, and then out of nowhere, he'd be in a world of hurt. He used to think he must be doing something, that if he could just behave himself, it wouldn't happen.

But eventually Nolan couldn't resist mouthing off, not even when he saw the next blow coming. And you know what? He realized it didn't make any difference what he did. Sometimes he apologized and sometimes he mouthed off, and there wasn't any correlation between that and how bad his dad hurt him. The key factor was just his dad, and how much he wanted to hit somebody. Nolan had nothing to do with it.

Sometimes he wished that weren't true. But from the moment he realized it, he never _stopped_ mouthing off. It felt like fighting back, even though he couldn't fight back for real.

That lesson has stood him in good stead. Nolan doesn't do stupid things--usually, when certain blonde girls aren't involved--but if he's afraid of something and it's not pointless (e.g. skydiving), he usually does it. He hates being scared, but he gets off on it, too, because if he's scared of what he's doing, that means he's doing something he's scared of. He's not letting anybody boss him around. Fuck them.

When he got rich, his dad crawled out of whatever hole he'd fallen into after Nolan left for MIT. Nolan saw his dad alone in his office. He stayed near his panic button, and he asked security to be on the alert. But he sat at his desk and tilted his head and smiled and his dad had no idea at all that when Nolan told him to fuck off, he was scared as shit.

 

 **2\. Hamptonites**

He knows exactly what they did to David Clarke. They already hate Nolan, and they don't even _know_ what he knows about them and flight 197. The Graysons would have a hard time eating him alive the way they did David, but it would be the easiest thing in the world to eat him dead. Nolan might be tall, but he's pretty sure Daniel Grayson could kick his ass, and he's the _least_ scary member of the family.

So he goes there every summer, and he mouths off as loud as he can.

 

 **3\. The ocean**

Nolan doesn't think most people understand how freaking _big_ the ocean is. You can get out of sight of shore, you can travel for hours, and you're still barely off the coast. It makes him feel small and insignificant, and with an ego like his, it's not surprising that he hates it.

But the bigger issue is that if you get lost out there, if sometime goes wrong with your satphone (and yes, he's going to install one on the _Amanda_ ), nobody's going to _find_ you. You're dead. You're gone. He could be out there, and in his final moments he could think of the most brilliant technological breakthrough the world has ever seen, and there'd be no way to tell anyone.

Nolan doesn't even like going outside of _cell_ reception, for fuck's sake. Sometimes other geeks act like cellphones are a frivolous technology to work on and make dumb textspeak jokes, but it's bullcrap. Cellphones save lives. Cellphones keep people from being alone, and scared.

He's working on his phobia, though. He's ready to tell the ocean _Fuck you, you can't push me around just because you're bigger than I am_. He figures going out with Jack is a good transitional step, like the infinity edge pool at his Hamptons house that makes it almost look like he's swimming in the ocean. At least if he gets lost with Jack, he won't be alone.

 

 **4\. Data loss**

Once, back in the nineties, his laptop head-crashed. All the important shit was backed up, but he'd just downloaded about 10 songs from Napster (yeah, Napster, he's old, shut up) and he couldn't remember what two of them were. It was like an itch at the back of his mind for months. To this day, he's sure they would have been his favorites. When Tyler throws his laptop into his pool, his stomach curls up into a ball even though he knows there isn't a single irreplaceable file on it.

The Nolcorp servers are mirrored to a degree sometimes described as "overkill" by his so-called "competitors," and once or twice the WSJ. Nolcorp has yet to have an outage that costs them more than a million dollars or so, so Nolan figures it's just the right amount of kill.

His grandmother died when he was fourteen. The part that made him feel the shittiest was how he'd forget something she told him, and there wasn't anyone to ask. Sure, he didn't _need_ to know which Fred Astaire movie was her favorite or how much protection money her mother had paid to Murder Incorporated, but it drove him batshit that the information was just _gone_.

Nolan really, really doesn't want to die. He doesn't want anyone else to, either. He's still holding out for Vulcan katra technology. It's bound to be developed one of these days.

 

 **5\. Emily Thorne, née Amanda Clarke**

Anyone who isn't scared of Emily is stupid, and probably a sexist asshat besides. That girl is _terrifying_ , and Nolan fully believes that she'd hurt him if he got in her way. She might feel bad about it-- _might_ being the operant word there--but she'd do it.

Eddie Rickenbacker, the fighter ace (and businessman--people always forget that he revolutionized commercial air transportation), said, "Courage is doing what you're afraid to do. There can be no courage unless you're scared." Okay, it's trite enough Nolan would be embarrassed to put it on his office wall, but the first time he heard it as a kid, it was an epiphany.

Someone who's not used to being scared would fold under the kind of pressure Emily's putting on him. Nolan's scared of so much shit, he barely even registers it some days.

He's been training his whole life for this without realizing it. He doesn't plan to give it up.

 

  
**Part Two: Five things Nolan knows about Emily Thorne, née Amanda Clarke, without even having to think about it**   


**1\. Her birthday.**   


Nolan used to visit David Clarke once a week. He started out always going at the same time. It was simple, convenient, and easy to plan around, but it made David uncomfortable. He'd go on about how Nolan must have better things to do and he shouldn't feel obligated to visit an old fogey with nothing interesting to talk about yadda yadda. So Nolan wrote a little program that took the prison's visiting hours, selected an hour-long block at random, and put it on his calendar. Once every two months, it skipped a week. David was happier after that. After the missed weeks, he'd ask cheesy, embarrassing things like, "What's her name?" and "So, did you have a hot date?" almost as if he were Nolan's dad. Well, not as if he were Myron Ross, Nolan's dad, but as if Nolan were David Clarke's son.

But the one day every year that Nolan was sure never, ever to miss was Amanda's birthday. He didn't really know what to do when David cried, since they weren't allowed to touch, but at least he was there. At least _someone_ was there.

He promised David that when Amanda was emancipated, he'd figure out a way to get her in to see him, no-contact order notwithstanding. Six weeks. Six fucking weeks. He still hasn't forgiven the universe for that one.

 

 **2\. That her father loved her.**

When David Clarke was dying, Nolan paid an ungodly sum of money in bribes to be allowed to stay with him in the infirmary. He brought his laptop and worked, and at night he set his phone to wake him up every five minutes. He didn't want David to be alone when he died. He wanted to be there if David came out of his haze and had something to tell him. But the only word David ever spoke that last week was "Amanda."

 

 **3\. Her income.**

Every quarter, he deposits 49% of Nolcorp's profits in her account in Zurich. She obviously doesn't want him to see her transactions and know where she is: she transfers most of the money into another account within a week, every time. For eight years, that was the only sign he had that she was still alive.

When the recession hit, he panicked more for Amanda than he did for himself. What if he couldn't send her enough? David had trusted Nolan to take care of his daughter. He couldn't fail.

Sometimes, he gives her more than 49%. Neither of them would ever know the difference, there's so much more than anyone could ever possibly spend, but it feels good anyway. Besides, he's irrationally embarrassed about it when they have an iffy quarter. He doesn't want her to think he's fucking up.

 

 **4\. The shape of her nose.**

He hasn't seen her in eight years, but he recognizes her instantly on the tablet screen, even with her face mostly turned away. She's changed her hair, and she's smiling which he's never seen her do, but she hasn't gotten a nose job. Given how distinctive her nose is, probably she should have, but he's relieved she didn't.

 

 **5\. She really, really likes dogs.**

David Clarke told him over and over again how much Amanda loved Sammy, how heartbroken she must have been to lose him. Even if he hadn't, Nolan's seen her with that dog.

He brings her a puppy. She wouldn't let him install a security system, so this is the next best thing. "She's a black lab. Since you've gone over to the dark side."

"I don't have time for a puppy, Nolan. Besides, it isn't safe for her."

"She's very well-trained. A reject from an assistance dog program."

The puppy barks and bumps her head into Emily's hand. Emily's lips curve in spite of herself. She leans down to scratch the dog behind the ears. "Yes," she says in this voice like she wants to baby-talk but won't while Nolan is watching. "Yes, it's very exciting."

"I can keep her if you don't want her. What do you think I should name her?"

"She looks like a Rachel," she says immediately. She kneels down for improved petting access, her mouth twisting regretfully. "Has she had her shots and everything?"

"It's not Rachel, it's _rache._ " He snickers at his own joke. Emily rolls her eyes. "I'm pretty busy this week, it's all right if I mostly leave her on her own, isn't it?"

Emily gives him a disapproving look. "Do you know what kind of food she likes?"

Actually, he has four cases of her favorite brand being delivered to the beach house in the morning, plus her pills, plus a selection of toys, dishes, leashes, etc. "She's a dog," he says. "She'll be thrilled to get my leftovers."

Her frown deepens.

"I've got half a roast chicken in the fridge right now, and I'm probably not going to eat it. I'm in the mood for Thai tonight."

"Nolan!"

"What?"

She sighs. "I know you're manipulating me, Nolan. It isn't smart."

He tilts his head, sticks his hands in his pockets, and smiles. "No?"

She glares and steps in. Rachel whines, and she backs up immediately. "Hey, it's okay," she tells the dog, keeping her narrowed eyes on Nolan. "We're just having a little disagreement."

"I figure she can eat all the Coffee Feathers in that box of chocolates Tyler sent me last week, too. I always end up with those and the Almond Praline Raindrops left over. Then I feel guilty throwing away expensive chocolate, so I eat them, but--"

She sighs again. "Go away, Nolan." She doesn't make him take the dog.

He thinks David would be pleased.


End file.
